I couldn’t find a way to get through to anyone, or a phone number on any of our paperwork. It was very faint, so I thought little of it, but I tried to find a way to call my “low intervention” (hands-off) OB/midwife. At the end of my 17th week, I started to have some pink spotting. and NYC, making plans for my seemingly imminent maternity leave. I had just launched an online magazine and an annual event a few months before the pregnancy and I had a lot of work to do to get my solo businesses ready for three months without me. My father-in-law had recently been diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer, so the family was overjoyed to have some good news. When we hit the 13-week mark, we started to tell friends and family. While I had some spotting in the first trimester, the pregnancy was mostly uneventful and I even kept up my 2-3 times a week “bootcamp” (running up hills) routine. I was 29 years old and in excellent health. It took me years to get over thinking that I caused the loss of my baby. But when I had a miscarriage, the worst culprit of this reflexive blaming was myself. Had your car broken into because you left something in there. Maybe they think you had a heart attack because you didn’t eat well. When something bad happens to you, it’s hard to shake the feeling that other people think you did something to bring it on. Until my daughter was nestled in my arms, it was difficult to believe that she was actually going to be a part of our family. Pregnancy after pregnancy loss was incredibly anxiety producing-fear sometimes took over my day. I went on to get pregnant soon thereafter, and now have a toddler whose humor has me bent over in belly laughter. My second trimester loss has profoundly shifted my work and has invariably changed me as a person more broadly. I had heard many stories of heart-wrenching pregnancy losses, but had yet to understand from a corporeal perspective. As I psychologist, I specialized in women’s reproductive and maternal mental health long before my own miscarriage experience. I put one foot in front of the other, but I’m still not sure how I managed to make my way in the world. The pain of the procedure didn’t match the excruciating emotions I felt as I lay there, digesting this trauma and the loss of a daughter I will never know. My unmedicated D&C was a necessity, as I began to hemorrhage. I began spotting and within a few days the baby emerged. My subsequent pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 16 weeks. I thought perhaps our lives as a threesome should simply remain joyous and who knew how things would shift if we added more to the mix? Until I changed my mind. Years later, I was ambivalent about having a second child. We traipsed around the world, enjoying my blooming belly and our final days as just two. This is why we’ve asked ten mothers to share their very personal, eye-opening stories, right here. While everyone reacts differently to this type of loss, the general consensus is that speaking about it with women who have gone through similar experiences can be a comfort. Chances are, someone close to you or within your community has dealt with the same ordeal. Which means if you’ve experienced one (or several), you are definitely not alone. Among women who know they are pregnant, approximately 15% of those pregnancies end in miscarriage (with over 80% of those miscarriages happening within the first 3 months).
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